Blood
by Star of Recca
Summary: love in life. love in death. (senru/rusen)


Blood

Author: jayded kitsune  
Disclaimer: The pain is mine. The characters are not.

_half of kataren's Christmas/birthday present. thanks for the support, and in a way, boosting my opinion of me. hope you like it._

  
I watched silently, as the sun began its slow descent, lowering itself past the clouds, making them blush. The expanse of water before me echoed the sentiment in a slightly different hue, image broken by waves and ripples. The sky above me, all around me, was a deep red.  
  
Red. Red like blood. Blood that was spilled. Spilled from him.  
  
By his own hand.  
  
A breeze picked up, bringing the faint salty smell of the sea with it. I raised a hand to push back my black fringes, lifted my chin towards the crimson heavens, closed my eyes to my misery and my love. And as I breathed in the familiar salt air, my heart jumped. And then it ached.  
  
Ached for the one I loved and lost, one fateful day. Just yesterday.  
  
Why did his bedroom have to be on the same level as the street?  
  
"Akira!" My shocked cry as I swung his door open, to find him cutting. Slicing at his wrists, mincing his muscled arms. Lines on his thighs, scars on his bare stomach. I couldn't move, dared not move. And everywhere, there was blood. Deep red, flowing, relentless.   
  
Blood on the parquet floor we would sit on together. Blood on the bed we would snuggle on. Blood on the legs that would walk me home. Blood on the solid torso that I would lean against. Blood on the arms that would hold me close. Blood on the face that looked so vacant, so desperate, missing its smile.  
  
Blood on the hands that would clasp mine. Blood on the hands that brought about the blood.  
  
"You would never understand." The voice that would calm me, now soft, shaky, as he turned his gaze on me, the blue eyes wavering in sorrow and in fear. Reflecting my inner turmoil. I was afraid. Afraid for me, and afraid for him.  
  
And I was angry, at him, at me, at everything. "Tell me! Help me understand! Why?" I grabbed the light cotton quilt that lay at the foot of his bed, neatly folded and obscenely unstained. But as I leaned towards him, he shrunk away, arm outstretched to keep me away, the blade between his fingers flashing threateningly. "Akira!" I was truly frightened. This was not him, not the person I knew better than myself, not my Sendoh Akira.  
  
He laughed. A low, mirthless laugh that seemed to bounce off the walls of his bedroom, to surround me, ringing in my ears over and over again until I clapped my hands to them, willing it to stop. But still I could hear him. "Why? Do you know what it's like, Kaede, to be me? With a father you've never met, a mother who's never home because she's out with 'clients'? A brother who barely acknowledges you unless he wants someone to vent his frustrations on? To be thrown about, abused, every day of your life, and worse, not be able to show it?"  
  
"Akira..."  
  
"The smile, Kaede. I hid behind a smile. Every day, every person, every thing, I greeted with a plastered smile, like my true feelings had been inverted. People say I always look so happy, Kaede, like nothing could ever faze me. Intense joy. And when you turn those feelings around... Intense sorrow, intense hate. Intense agony."  
  
I wondered how he could do that. Say all that, almost calmly, despite a slightly higher pitch to his voice, a glazed light in his eyes, covered with blood. "Let me help you, Akira. We can get through this together. We will."  
  
Again the harsh laughter rang out. "So naive, my precious Kaede. What can you do? It's too late, much too late for me. Nothing can help me now."  
  
Before I could speak, plead with him to seek medical attention, to see a counsellor, maybe, he cut me off. He stood, swaying a little, unfolding himself from his previous crumpled position on the bed to stand and look me in the eyes. I stepped back. Fear. Sorrow. Anger. Hurt.  
  
"Goodbye, Rukawa Kaede."  
  
What was he thinking? That idiot, that /idiot/! If only I had stopped him, if only I had read his intentions in the deep blue gaze, if only... But he was right. I couldn't do anything. Couldn't stop him from shoving me aside. Couldn't stop him from running out of his room, slamming the door behind him. And as I dashed outside in pursuit of him, I couldn't stop him from sprinting into the road via the open front door. Couldn't stop him.  
  
I couldn't stop the truck that hit him. That hit him, and killed him. Killed him, and my heart with it.  
  
I wanted to. I tried. I opened my mouth and shouted after hiim, hoping that my words could, would, did stop him. But he never let me finish my sentence.  
  
"Akira, I -- "  
  
SCREECH! BANG! CRASH!  
  
I love you.  
  
I could never say those words to him while I still had him, and now he's gone. What is it they say, you never know the worth of water until the well is dry? I know now. Too late. But I know now.  
  
"It wasn't your fault, Rukawa."  
  
"You couldn't have stopped him. No one expected it."  
  
"He loved you. He told me so every day."  
  
"Treasure the memories, Rukawa."  
  
"He's in a better place now."  
  
"Akira loves you. He'll wait for you."  
  
He'll wait for me. My Akira will wait for me.  
  
A smile crossed my face as I turned once more to the ocean, now dark with nightfall. I've forgotten what it feels like to smile. It's so silent atop a seaside cliff. With no one around. Not a single person, besides myself.  
  
My legs failed me once. It cost me dearly. They never will again.  
  
I run now, faster than I ever did, towards the edge of the high cliff at top speed. I feel the muscles in my calves and thighs bunch as I jump off, diving into the raging waves beneath, breaking on the rocks below.  
  
And as the sharp edges pierce my side and the water closes over my head and my body screams for air and I close my eyes and wish for peace, a single thought is in my mind.  
  
Can't let Akira wait too long for Kaede now, can I?   



End file.
